much, much better

amazing. dropping the pretense of being a mom desperate to lull a child to sleep has resulted in a total re-evaluation of everything that makes up the stuff of life, mine, my child's, the birds that wing above us in the park, the beautiful crisp blue sky that is a never ending picture of the perfect breath, the reflection of our innate goodness and our human toils that seek divine rewards. now with love coursing through my body and overflowing out through my hands as i massage my child to sleep with tenderness, rather than a sense of duty, he is simply slumbering as if he never napped before. i even coaxed him back after he woke prematurely, unhappily, and he succumbed to the gentle and love-directed soothing that i have often tried to embody but failed for the want of it. now, in the hour of hopelessness, all has been righted and i am set on a new balance of living in the present and being fully awake to the realities of life. lofty, not really. it's the nitty gritty, the business of being fully here.
all of the soul searching, all of the moves and men, all of the past and whatever i had hoped for the future, it's all here and it can all flow around and through the illusion of reality. all of the self-doubt, the worthlessness and pain, all has been self-inflicted. no amount of anyone sagely quoting aphorisms half realized would have landed me squarely in my body and waking up to the full meaning of all that i have been blessed with, and all that i can savor and relinquish my thirst to.
my only wish, if it were a perfect world, my dogs would not be panting at the door now with the fury of a thousand hounds. they are so desperate to love us. their eyes reflect the longing of the world to me, and it's both enviable and unbearable at once to give in to their unrelenting desire for more. it's all i can do to try and form these thoughts, to try and give these feelings some shape so when they fade, i will have more than a fuzzy memory of how to walk in the world with true feet.
and two little feet, ones that have been kicking at me since they were formed inside my belly, they will stand alongside me as i stumble through it all, i hope i can convey the feeling that courses through my body and the soul of the rocks beneath our feet as we continue the journey one step at a time.
and he cries out, in his sleep, to mama. and the one who can't separate my love for him from my own self responds to the end of this, another looong, peaceful nap.