of moves and men

S3500148, originally uploaded by slamell.

don't even think i don't know it's ironic that my blog is titled as much for myself as it is for Diego. i know perfectly that the truth is, it's all about me and how i am growing up, too. take coming home, for instance. never in a million years would i have expected to turn up at my parent's door, with my own child, still needing their help, love and support on such a physical and basic level. they have graciously accepted us into their already full lives, and freely given of their money, time, and sympathy for me in a deeply difficult time in my life. if anyone has been foolish, unwise or hasty, we've also been busy, picking up the pieces of a broken life to build a picture of family for my son.

as my wise old friend who still surprises me with his simple, clear-cut method of no bullshit, straight to the heart dissection of the matter sagely said after hearing from my reserves of guilt,

it's not about you or him anymore. that's over. when you have a kid, that's the new truth. time to grow up. what you do now is for that awesome kid of yours. and giving him family, having this time together, that's more important, that's all there is. there's nothing without that.

I've spent too much time trying to justify moving home and resisting being here. and the funny thing is, i say i don't like it here all the time because i don't like the material culture of this affluent suburb, the superficiality of the people, especially the women, and the influence or fear of that influence on my son. but, all i want to do is end my suffering and live in the present, both aware and in a state of joy. i want my son to be happy and healthy and for the most part he is. i am blessed with family who despite everything i say and do, and all i put them through, have proven to love me and believe in me above all others, and they do the best everyday with who and where they are on their own journey through this garden of earthly delights and horrors, the endless and omnipresent push-pull of life, ebullient, flowing, and never a dull moment. never.

the thing is, I've spent many years uprooting myself, moving around and trying to make a family of sorts. been too many moves where the direct line to why is drawn to a guy. i had a baby with a dude that i should have never even moved in with, let alone moved across state lines for. yet the journey was amazing, i touched lives with so many people i wouldn't even know otherwise. we wouldn't even have our baby if i hadn't have wanted to hurt someone, a guy that broke my heart. in an infantile rebounding leap, i slept with my ex-boyfriend's roommate and now we're forever bound. a wise choice, maybe not. a family, of sorts, well...ignoble intentions brought me here, to parenthood, with all of its lessons and journeys. it's not as simple as all that, i know. still, had i not been so eager to get back at a stupid man, i would never be charged with the burden and blessing of doing my damndest to raise a good one.

so i think that question should be put out of my heart for once and for all. I'm tired of feeling tightrope stretched between here and there, pulled back and forth like a transcontinental yo-yo. I'm doing the best i can, today and every day, for Diego. if both Diego's parents were able to do that, well, some things might have happened differently. i don't want to feel like I've done someone wrong. people can do things for their children that don't always make the most sense to every outside onlooker. i think giving Diego some stability, a family, maybe not perfect but nonetheless his own, is the best possible choice for now. there's no reason that life should be in one place, and nothing is ever permanent. Diego needs two loving parents and that he has, but only one of us has continually made the kind of daily, selfless sacrifices that parents need to make for their children.

if i come across as childish, spoiled, or just plain lucky, it's because i have one hell of a family. I've done loads of stuff that many people couldn't even dream up. my resume reads like a lonely planet smorgasbord. i think i landed at home for now 'cause i needed to. i can deal with that. yeah. this wanderer has made a stop. sure, it's in my little sister's old bedroom. okay, my folks eat fast food and i feel my own health decline just watching them. do we always agree or get along, hell no. it doesn't have to be earth shattering to live here. to tell the truth, right now, i don't even care. i just want to know that these feet are walking on the ground that they stand on and not feeling like they want to fly away. it's true, maybe i left some people i love along the way.

but maybe, just maybe, someone will make a move for me, for once. until then, I'm staying put and letting life happen

here and now.
right here, right now.